Out for a Walk

            As a college student I have become used to a certain diet.  This diet comes with low budget.  However as a member of a strong family, 3 to 5 times a year I have a meal that knocks my socks off.  Our story starts on a chilly and damp Thursday in late November.  As a thanksgiving traveler, my family finally arrived in Owatonna.   A fabulous appetizer spread of sausages, wines and cheeses was perfectly accented with Rich Dauck provided Mich Golden Draft.  Having won they sober cab competition I was off the hook for driving, and i was in for a whirl wind of booze and protein based foods.  

            Our happy hour ended after several hours of catching up, visiting, and grazing around the kitchen appetizers.  The most familiar ding came from the oven; it appeared this turkey was cooked.  A delicious 26 pound bird was accompanied with all of the heartiest fixings.  This delicious, festively filling meal would turn out to be my demise on this, the thanksgiving of 2009.  I had several plates that I covered entirely with gravy, like an obese man covers his arteries with cholesterol.   Let’s just say I smothered those plates with gravy like Chris Benoit smothered his family with pillows.  After 4,000 calories, a 6-pack, and Aunt Suzie’s famous pumpkin pie, it was time for the Gebbie’s to leave.  For the one hours ride back to Minneapolis, my grandpa’s van seats ate my farts like a Sconnie eats cheese curds, fast and with purpose. 

When we pulled into Minneapolis, I was ready to greet my family toilet with a butt throw up off a 4,000 calorie proportions.  Laurie (my mother) had other plans.  Our renegade 12 pound dog, needed to taken for a poop stroll.  Ironically the only poop to be had on this stroale was to be mine.  I was heading south on the Chowen’s 45^th block and I hung a right on 46^th avenue and evacuated what I thought to be just a warm fart.  On my short 6 block walk I hung another right on Bryant, this is the street where things got critical.  There could not have been more than four houses that I passed, when I squeaked another warm fart.  I remember thinking to myself, it a little chilly for some butt sweat.  I made the choice to check out the situation.  The results were inconclusive.  I was 2 blocks from home and the warmth of my butt genitals was not covering my whole lower body.  I arrived home, headed for my basement bedroom, which was nothing but an air mattress over an unfinished basement floor.  When coming to the basement I credit card swiped my butt, I came up with a bowling score, some spares covered in turkey. I was not mad, I had only one option, check the undies. When I removed my underwear I was proud of the bacon strip I left in my shorts, it reminded me of how I would cover a fresh quiche.  I thought to my self two options, first was to just wash my shorts, second was to go for a walk, and light those drawers on fire.  <apologies to SW Minneapolis HS> I burned my shorts in a parking lot near my place, wiped my butt and never spoke of this again, until I got home, when I told my brother.  I have since sharted.